Cyclone of Darkness so it seems..

Well today was pretty shitty once again. But it seems that i have made it that way. Dreams of hatred and being shunned out had flooded my mind and althought it shouldnt have...it did. And that affected my performance today ( no not theater, just....how i acted all together) I mean, I asked Jon to kill me for chrissakes! Thats not me..

Friends came to cheer me up which was great--however i have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. MY THEATER PERFORMANCE IS TOMMOROW! I'm hella nervous--but its only beacause i hafta perform in front of Theater 3. -.- Fuck, i know a whole bunch of people in that class and i dont want them to see it. Theyll probably critisize me....or patronize me.

However, if i wanna get better they need to tell it like it is I suppose... I just hope my partner doesnt forget her lines.

So most of my depression is on me I suppose, how i failed everyone, how i failed myself especially. Makes me jsut not wanna go to school anymore. But i have responsibilities i need to take care of. no matter how scary and truthful it may be. I'm feeling a bit better about my self though, aside from this morning but something has brought me down again..

....poor tianna. it seems that in this love thing the pack leader is against her. ::sighs:: I kinda know the feeling and i understand her point of view...but....on some things i kinda agree with her and on others i dont.

Its kinda hard to explain...especially when its the red head (or flaming red head) were talking about. Shes....unique. her own style, her own ways of handling things, her own path. and shes so headstrong that she wont turn from teh path shes already decided. Thats good---on some things because there are times when...when you need to back off, or go a new way, or actually listen for directions. Because when your dealing with something so precious (and there are a LOT of precious things out there, mind you) asking for advice can make all the difference

People make bad mistakes ...some so bad that it can fuck up; whether its somethign small as a math problem or a something HUGE like friendship or trust. So asking for help is not a bad thing at all...never keep things bottled inside or act tough either--doesnt work.

But anyway, enough of my psychiactric side--for now. Just want anyone to know that if they do want any help contact me!!! Get my e-mail adress i'm here for ANYONE who reads my shit.

RP issues
none my friends, too busy getting ready for finals or working on this and other websites. I need to go to Unicorn Visions and Anime High school too...gotta apologize for not being there

Other news
um....only a few more days till we get out of school. I dont think i'm even going to ROP tommorow. Sucks. And i'm hella nervous!! HELP ME OUT!

A bit tired, a bit hurt, but i hid it well

Today...was shit. nothing was really good today. However, all my friend behind there made the pain go away. I feel like theyre my anti-depressant.

But some friends i see more than others and I wish I could see all my friends equally. Its kinda hard being a hybrid- you have so many different friend groups and some dont get along well. Its kinda like..keeping a pit bull; you cant take it to the doggy park and the only type of dog it likes to hang out with is family. Otherwise theyll fight.

However,I saw about all my friends today at least for a little while. whether it was a glance or hang out with them for a bit it was still good so that made me happy.

The final stretch has got me stressed out though! and my parents arent really helping me. I have Animation ROP right and i wanna do the very best i can. But i learned that, although i have great Ideas...animation isnt really for me. I believe that comic making is more my thing.....its would be nice to see my art come to life however.

so i think that I'm going to get out of ROP...i dont even think im on the roster anyway so all the work i did didnt mean shit. I guess that the tickets that i told I would sell doesnt mean shit as well---everyone in my neighborhood is broke as well. ::sighs::

I only sold 1 1/2 (this one lady gave me 5 bucks....it wasnt enough and i didnt have anything i guess ill keep it for myself. >>; )

RP issues
very very very small RP with the bright red haired one. Basically she was apologizing me again and theres no reason. its not her fault. it seems that shes trying to make everything better and to tell the truth, it doesnt really numb the pain.

man i miss her.

Other news
well i'm still not feeling too great--i feel like i'm changing. I dont want to though, I like how i am. Everyones pushing me to change and i just wanna stay where i am. Moms the worse of all..

She wants me to change my hair..

She wants me to change my style of clothing.

And now she wants me to change my way of writing, my way of daydreaming and the comix i write

She claims shes not and just wants me to try something new. but i'm not ready! I'm still trying to get used to mom being like she is now and how my family is all apart. Man sometimes i feel like i'm in hell when i'm at home. but i guess thats how everyone my age feels i guess...

>> i so need help now.

The final stretch with new changes...nothing could be sweeter

well this is it, folks--the last real week before summer vacation! Next week we have monday as a holiday and 3 delicious minimum days! some are scrambling to get their grades up as high as they could, others just starting to catch Summer Fever and not giving a fuck. Me? I'm trying to focus but i cant. My dreams haunt me, i'm lonely, and i need something but i cant put my tongue to it. Appearantly my body knows but wont tell me. >.< Damn you, brain! Damn you i say!

Today was a pretty nice day, although the things that makes me feel empty keeps plauging my mind. I got to see my friends and that cheered me up. Alex was the best though...for it seemed that he gone through a metamorphosis.

He died his hair blonde!! I thought he wasnt going to do it but he did. I heard that people were laughing at him but i thought it looked very very VERY nice! It makes him look like a fantasy book character. It also makes his eyes stand out. That truly made me smile.

And tianna's hair was a brighter red. o.O; is that the natural color or did she dye it? its been a while since i saw it that bright...either that or i was dreaming.

RP issues
Well for a while ive been RPing with the red haird one. its one of those 'family' things where were parents and together we have 14 kids. *chuckles* it was hard deciding the names but i got it

Micheal and I have started a FF thang for a moment. It sounds lke it might go a bit fast. O.o unless one of us make some enemies.

Big Bro Nick is going through it. He's outta college for summer and he claims its going to suck. All because he didnt get to talk to that chick. I told him not to worry and that if he wants changes so badly he needs to go and pursue them! break out of the shell, my friend--all will go well

Other news
Well Saturday i went on my first date...i guess it was a date. ::shrugs:: i had fun, we went to go and see the Laramie Project. It was kinda depressing but there was also some funny parts. As usual i made an ass of myself and told jokes about my family not being embarrased at all. It made me feel good and i was happy to make him smile.

But today he seemed a bit zoned out. I got a bit worried ( i need to stop doing that--sometimes i worry for no reason.) like today i saw him during passing like usual and we talked, his friend was there too. They talked, i listened, which seems normal at times. but then...there was this awkward silence and I just ...stood there. o.o i dont know if it was like some manly man contest or they were trying to make a hint or something so i just left. I dont know what to think really...

maybe...maybe i'm a bit too odd for him. Maybe he doesnt like me so much anymore. but im not going to think so negatively. not yet at least.. ::Smiles::

In loving memory of Kenny--we barely knew ye

Last week Kenny Mineberg was found in his house....dead. He was a student of my school, and seemed like a pretty good kid from what i heard from Tianna and the other students but appearantly he was going through a bit of shit and decided that he didnt want to have it anymore.

But also from what ive read from the notes people barely knew him. There were a few that said that he was a true friend..but other than that, people wouldnt even be able to tell him out in the sea of kids. I probably wouldnt understand the pain he felt and what kinda shit he went through....but being seemed that he was nothing more than a number at the place you spend most of your day doesnt make it any better. Poor kenny, he was probably just another lost and lonely soul on the last thread of sanity.

And so..for kenny, this is for you.

::Nique, Midnight and Yakki all sit out on a cliff near the ocean and let out long mourning howls::

Kenny...may your soul find peace...

RP issues...
none my friend... today i stay off of it. today is Kenny's memorial ceremony @ 6 and since i wont be able to make it, i'm just going to sit out and think about the poor lad.

Other news
Nothing much...making dinner i suppose. And i hear a certain someone sneaking in my house so i gotta go...bai!

Rice cakes, Rice cakes drawn in a picture...


Well as usual, i'm a bit tired. Today was a pretty good day though. My friend is going through depression again and i played a bit of psychaitrist....its not a problem at all.

I just try to help, ya know?

The guy i like and I have been doin gthis joke. I want a camel, he wants a pink pony with a camel on it's ass. Weve made threats, randsoms and acted all around ghetto to get what we want. Im thinking of going out to buy him a small my little pony to keep--just to poke fun.

Hmm...other than that, nothing new, other than going to Saturday's tutoring. I get 50 pts extra credit and some help with finals--nothing could be sweeter. Well...its on Saturday, not too sweet.


RP issues
NONE! sorry...too tired to even make a small post. I hafta apologize to duo-mun somehow... ::Sighs::


Other News
So sleeeeeeepppyyy.... .

Technical difficulties but some good stuff to look forward to.
Well after a good 20 minutes of playing around of playing with this bastard of a computer i got it to work so i can make a post. Finally! it has been a while

so i got a bit to talk about with ya'll... .

Well about the guy i talked about, the one i liked..we decided that we werent gonna go out for a while. Appearantly he didnt want me to be hurt since he's always so busy. To tell you the truth...i'm pretty busy as well..except on weekends. -.-; god.

But um..yea. thats pretty much it. Tianna and Alex came over on Fri. and hang out watching Fri. and Fri. after next. pretty fun. then some shit came up that i wasnt too happy about and The red haired one came and stayed the night. It was fine, i had no problem with it but she keeps apolgizing!

Heres what i hafta say about it.... "dont apologize about the same thing over and over! it shouldnt be that way if you apologize once and do the same thing then apologize again. because soon that word--that sacred word that usually mends some things will lose its shine and wont be worth it..."

Thats how i feel right now. people keep apologizing for the same shit and it doesnt jsut..work anymore. >.> Mom does that too...especially with that 'ill never do that again.' Dont lie to me... I know you will.

Anyway, it was pretty nice to see her...Again, i didnt get to really talk to her since she was sleepy. ::rolls her eyes:: kinda gets to me. especially since she left early the next day.

Sometimes i feel that the friendship is gonna be lost to time and schedules and one day well just be walking by eachother and well never say hi. not that she say hi to me anyway when I do see her .

But enough about the bad stuff...i dont need to be down before i go to bed.

Tuesday ish tommorow and its final dress...i'm a bit nervous since I'm supposed to play as a crazy person..but im already kinda crazy..just gotta mix that energy and throw it out there for all to see! I also gotta work on a few grades. the only good one i have is Japanese II.

God i'm hella tired, and ive been having continuous dreams of teh living dead and wolves. :;sighs:: at first it was just because i saw Van Helsing but now its getting to me. I had a dream last night that...well ill just put it on my Xanga site for all to see.

Anyway, i guess ill leave you peeps be. Just trying to update and say a good hello.
RP issues
I went back to Unicorn Visions and Anime High School..just hope my comp will let me check it out every once in a while. ::yawns:: its alright..just not as fun as a good IM RP.

Mike and I had a few good RPs as well--fullfilled my little curiousity with a bit of werewolf RP and were suppose to start this Final Fantasy one. cant wait.

Nikolai was helping me control the beast within, Nick helped me with some screams... for the hell of it and he cheered me up. I hear that few of his personas are looking into parenthood--i told them that i wanted to be the babysitter/ childhood friend of the little tykes.

Hmm...oh and Duo and I had a nice RP. as usual, we took care of Loreli in our little apartment. but Tora got a werewolf curse (got REALLY bored here) and i caused a muck. i do that to him..we gotta get some stuff going than just..staying home.

Other News
2 more mondays before Summer Vacation
i more holiday and a whole bunch of minimum days! woo!

Ahem...ya know when people ask me whats up and i say 'nothing?' this is the nothing thats going down...

Been a while since i posted, huh? sorry about that folks. but certain moods and great events have happened while i have been gone...one that i'm really excited about.

well this one guy (i wont say who)knows that i like him and he returned his affections to me! ^__^ i dont know how people will react to this but it makes me truly happy. The problem is..we cant make it official! what do i mean? he wont ask me out! and i wont ask him becuase when i do people are circling around me to hear it and i freeze like a deer in headlights...

But all my friends are running around telling everyone and their mamas that were going together... >.< so i guess we gotta hurry up and get this sitiated before these rumors would become lies.

::Clears throat:: in my opinion...i feel that guys should still ask the girls out. I mean..its been that way for ages! shit, even in the animal kingdom the guys try to court the ladies! >.< i want that to happen to me dammit! but also the times have been changing and women are getitng independent. I'm just really really really really REALLY REALLY shy. ^^; i told people that i would ask him...if his back was turned. lol!

....I'm sure you are dying to know who it is, huh? well you see...if your REALLY wanna know... call me or write me up and ill give you subtle hints. it will get to you sooner or later.

anyway, i'm jsut really excited and nervous at the same time! its like...getting on a roller coaster and stuff.

RP issues
Well i havent really RPed in a while...oh wait! YES I HAVE!!! it was the greatest inu-Yasha RP ever! thanx mike! oh, i RPed with Duo since i last posted but i think thats about it. The red-haired one has been rping a litle bit, but its mostly about her and her veiws on some things...we just added a little bit of personas in the mix.


To All fellow RPers
Any RPs we do are still on! no matter what. yes i'm talking to you! >.< you! yea, the one sitting here! whatever we have been RPing stays! it doesnt change! jsut a forewarning...ya know, just in case you guys get any ideas and stuff... .>>...

MoViE nIgHt!

It was a pretty nice day...reeaaaaaaalllly slow! I was waiting ever so patiently to go and see Van Helsing with Tianna. However she didnt wanna go because she had 'work' ta do. and i was like ..whatever. just kinda hurt ya know since i dont really get to see her at all anyway and the movies would be a fun way to hang out. but work is work i suppose.

like i said to her: eh.. ::shrugs::

The move....was fucking sweet!! It was like the sweetest movie that crawled out of the sweetest hole that came from the sweetest land that all sweetness was spawned! everythign was great---the graphics, the story, the acting! everything! and Hugh Jackman...hooo! ::melts::

I wont ruin the story one bit! but you guys just need to see it! Im planning to go and see it with mom (when we went to the theaters she went to go and see Man on Fire while i went to Van Helsing)
and then again with Shawna...maybe. Cant wait!

Anyway thats basically the new things...i got a lot of makeup work to do and stuff...but ill get to it tommorow since mom and I arent supposed to leave for Borders until 3.

RP issues
Teaching Nick on how to gain courage..other than that--nothing. I like to listen to his stories..they are sometimes the highlight of my day. he's truly like my big bro.

Um....::Shrugs:: then nothing beyond that.

Other news
For Tianna-- I still got the wolf info if your interested. just something i learned--if your writing a story , you should do a bit of reasearch. Just a bit of help, ya know? Oh and um..for illustration purposes we might need to get some more wolves for some other packs.

For mike-- If i dont see you tonight..or tommorow, however you see it...forgive me. I went out for a bit and i dont think well be home until 10. you can wait out if you want.

For Nick- Ganbatte! (good luck!)

Irritiation, confusion and a whoooole lotta studying!

Today was a pretty nice day...and i just noticed my type-o on my last title. I meant to say "has the green bug bitten?" since we were talking about jealousy..

but right now i guess i'm fine. I woke up and i noticed that one eye was pink and the other was yellow. I dont know what it is... i hope its nothing serious.

My mom is supposed to make an appointment for me with my doc.

Anyway it was also arts alive and it was pretty cool. i didnt get to stay outta class but i did get to see a whole bunch of kids and Zach during lunch! I got a glance at John but he left before i could go and hug him. ::Sniffles:: hes a cool dude.

Hmm..what else? i didnt get to see that many friends as usual..but i did get a glance of Tianna with her goofy hat, which was slightly amusing. Almost made the pain go away. I wanted to say hi to Alex and know when we can continue our debate...or something. I never really get to sit down and talk to him anymore. seems that he talks to scold me or do a favor. either that or he wants to talk to Tianna. -.- whateva.

::Scratches head:: i know theres something else....oh! Grammy and Bre-Bre are supposed to come over tommorow! idont get to see them that much so it would be pretty fun. ::nod nod: :i think i'll enjoy myself and forget about this horrible pain in my eyes or my heart.

RP issues..
none whatsoever and since i just got kicked offline im like...pissed at the moment. >.< mike got offline before i could even say hi. other than that.. .i'm talking to nick and he gives me a bit of RP in our discussion. he gave me the TRUE 'dogma' ....

": but the way that "dogmatic" is most often used is describing someone to be authorative, or arrogant in their belief of something that is unproved"

he gave me an example..cleared that up

Other news
Im stressed and feel all used up...somehow. i probably need a nap or a drink.

I read something interesting from caf'e astrology about Aquarius. kinda slapped me in the face ^^;

I dont know if i should put it on here or not.. ::looks around:: ill put it on my other site. im due for an update.

Only 4 more weeks of school left! wee-ness!

Have i been bitten by the green bug known as envy?

well folks...today was pretty normal. No dreams for a while, i think the worse has happened and my dream sprite is taking a break. sorry people who check up on Xanga... ill try to make it worth your while next time.

-.0 to tell you the truth...the Aquarius in me just wants to be left alone. I'm a bit angry for no real reason...maybe just little stuff.

But something did happen that was funny... just things going over my head like WOOSH!well something about my animation partner liking me... (i kinda think he's cool too. He growls ^__^ ) and ten something about me and John flirting.. ::simply smirks:: and then ..hehehn... Tasha said i was Jealous!

::short gasp:: how can i be jealous? i wasnt jealous! she thought i was jealous about ...um...someone and i'm like 'hell no!' i'm not jealous! i kinda had an inu-yasha moment, i just turned my back to her, sit where I was and snorted

For people who dont know...i dont get jealous easily...its like my patience! i was like 'feh..whatever!' I dont get jealous...

really...i dont....really! dont look at me like that.

oh! i went to this one website called cafeastrology.com! its pretty cool...you guys should go see it.

anyway i'm gonna go to contemplate on my emotions and why i feel this deep torment of anger in me. ::shrugs::

Technical difficulties?

For some reason blogspot says that it cant find my blog. i dont know...i need to check up on it.

but maybe theres just something wrong..ill fix it.

Anyway, today was pretty good i suppose. i feel kinda stupid because of last night but it wasnt my fault i suppose. My brother picked up the phone before my friend told me what she was going to say. i felt that it was pretty important....

Hmmm....my friends cheer me up. i know that now. ::smiles:: It was nice to see everyone after what seemed like a preety hard and emotional weekend. They asked what was up but i simply told them that some choices were made and it wasnt my business....as usual.

Its pretty early and i felt all sticky form the stupid-hot weather. i need to bring my dog in...i'm sure she's burning up.

I think i need to feed as well...i dont feel too good.

The concerned tiger

well after a few days of slumber my mom woke up and actually talked to me! i feel balanced...mother and daughter bonding and what not. life looks better, air smells great and kool-aid is sweeter! hoo-yea!

I got some things off my chest about life and how i feel on certain things and i slept on the past problems that happend on Saturday. if i havent stated before, i was shocked and i couldnt get my emotions in...then i was pissed and concerned! i actually went to bed crying...i worry.

Then i find out that most of the pain that i go through is because i care about others...i truly get worried about my friends as if they were my children! but it shouldnt be that way..my mom says. she says that i need to worry about the pain I go through before i worry about someone elses. If i go through too much over someone then that can make me unbalanced and the person wont learn their lesson. She claims that when i do get sick and tired i would let go and let my advice from the past sink into that person's thick skull. they would soon understand how i tried so hard to make their lives and probably heed my warnings...

But the letting go part is the hardest...on both of us. or more than one..depends on the situation.

I dont know what to do now...i think i'll give it a bit more time. Of course Ill listen to mom's warning and will take her advice...when i'm ready of course.

Or Ill just snap...whichever comes first.

But anyway, its about 5 and to me the day has just begun. I did some laundry, put some towels up and ate lasagna...since I havent eaten in 24 hours.

...I'm just trying to keep my happiness up.

RP issues
well i talked to Nick...but we Rped a bit in our conversation as usual. I taught him the meaning of 'sit and rotate' with Ivy and Count as my models. ::smirks::

As usual, Micheal and I RPed as usual ^^ were still doing the 'Inu-Yasha' themed one and it's pretty fun.

Tianna and i Rped a bit too...but she was going through mood swings so it made me kinda nervous. I didnt want to say somethin that would make her either pissed or make her cry. so I was pretty neutral. Nikuu and Dp did play a bit of a game but then the mistress was talking a bit of nonesense like a little kid so it made me worry.

Aaaaannndd....Duo-mun and I Rped a bit! fun fun!

Arent Saturdays for fun?

Well this weekened wasnt the best ,ill hafta admit. Yesterday the red-head came over which was nice..but she like strolled in around 11:00 pm and i was already 1/2 sleep. Then when she comes in I wake up and ya know..wanna talk about stuff--i dont get to see her that much! But she wanted to sleep..which made me kinda worry. but I let her..i just went to keep myself busy by playing Bloody Roar and watching the Red Queens part a bit more..

Then it was about 8 in the morning and she got up. we talked a bit about a few things then she got a call. she claimed she had an appointment and i let her go, knowing she would come back...but i didnt know who picked her up. I thought it was miss tina but i find out it was Shannon and they went to go and grab a certain present of some sort.

I was shocked...i didnt know what to do. first i was numb, like i didnt know what to think...what to feel. but then it hit me...'of course..how could i be so fucking stupid?'

but now i understand and its not my place. i know that its there choice and i worry about their concenquences but it will catch up to them soon. Its all up to fate now. i just hope it doesnt ruin their relationship or make it any more...um...quarrelsome.

Anyway thats all what happened today. Ive drawn a few pictures, i've watched a few movies and been comforting the red head.... but it still gets to me. My friends mean so much to me....

I talked to Tianna...a bit of a friendly discussion, although i was still wracked with unemotion and she brought up something strange.. shes never seen me mad.

and i think about it....How often do i get mad? like truly 'rip someones head off' type pissed? Do i have that kinda patience? perhaps...too much?